Power Rankings, Week 5

After a 3 week hiatus, the power rankings return with a vengeance:

1) Kapitalizm Stompers (Last ranking: 5). Making a big move from the middle of the pack after a 1-1 start, the Stompers have run off a powerful 4-game win streak, highlighted by the (re)emergence of running back Ronnie Brown. "During his ACL rehab, Ronnie found Stalin," co-owner Mike McKeon told reporters. "Yeah, that's right, Stalin, not your pseudo-Judeo-Christian God!" he yelled. A narrow 2 point win over the evil Manimals - the Stompers 3rd win by 3 points or less in the last 2 years - raised worship issues in the households of Manimals co-owners Ricky Gelboim and Clarence Lee. The Stompers have now 2 games in a row over teams scoring 126 and 115 points - or more than every team has scored against Athens all year, combined.

2) Bafana Bafana (6). "And the meek will inherit the earth!" cried co-owner Edgar Mason, when informed via satelite phone that his team had moved up to #2 in the coveted power rankings. "Thank you Purple Jesus!" The league's leader in overall point, Bafana made a big jump despite losing a drag-out battle with the #1 Stompers. When reached for comment, co-owner Scott Wilson repeated his team's mantra, "We're taking it one game at a time, we're giving 100%, we're not looking ahead..." he then paused and noted, "okay, that's not entirely true. We are looking past the LA Rams this week. I mean, come 'on..." Will a reliable #2 RB develop?

3) Manimals (1). "Ah the hated Manimals," Melonheads owner Brian Emeson said. "Where do I begin?" 4 and 1 with a healthy point total, the Manimals have reacted to losing star QB Tom Brady with a slash-and-burn campaign. "Win at all costs," co-owner Clarence Lee told reporters. "That's why we play the game!" Sources close to the Manimals indicated that since the bitter loss of Brady (forcing the trade of superstar rookie Chris Johnson and QB Jason Campbell), the Manimals have engaged in character assassination of fellow owners. On Meet the Press the past 3 weeks, co-owner Ricky Gelboim sought to tie Justin Mills and Kyle Reeb to Reverand Jeremiah Wright; hinted that McKeon was really an alias for the true owner, McStallen (what do we really know about McStallen?); and produced evidence tying Scott Ginbsurg to reknowed terrorist William Ayers. "But I wasn't even born yet!" Ginsburg protested. "Too bad," Gelboim said on the show. "You live in Illinois. He lives in Illinois. You're an f!@#$#% terrorist." In response to voter unrest, Ginsburg was forced to bench his entire lineup in Week 4.

4) Athens Panathinaikos (2). "I'm angry," said owners Stavros Papadopolous when reached for comment about his number 4 spot in the power rankings. "I'm 5-0 and behind a team that's 2-3? That's total garbage." When confronted by reporters about his team's poor early season performance by amazing record, Stavros knocked the podium aside. "Listen, I don't care if you win by 1 point or 50 points. All that matters is that you win the game! Didn't someone else in our league say that?" Sad but true stat #1: Sarah Palin doesn't know what newspapers she reads. Sad but true stat #2: Athens has faced the easiest schedule in the league - 67.25 ppg - despite the fact that the Manimals faced a lineup that scored 0.8 ponts in Week 4.

5) AJFA (4). It's been status quo for the Justice League, as they continue to face ridiculous matchups. In sharp contrast to the team above them, they've scored 87 more points than Athens (an average of 17.4 ppg) but faced the hardest schedule in the league. at 105 ppg. "It's just a matter of time before we let Flava flav - Marshawn Lynch - out of the cage and he starts racking up the stats," co-owner Michael Mano declared. Better let him out soon - at 2-3, they are part of a big logjam as we get closer to thinking about the p-word.

6) Melonheads~ (3). What a Monday night for the squigglies. Merely 8 Reggie Bush points away from a 1-4 start - worst ever in team history - the Melonheads avoided disaster as Bush managed only 7.3 points to give Emeson's team a 1 point victory. "I was about to have a heart attack," Emeson told reporters aboard his bus. "I mean, Bush had about 7 points at halftime, all he needed was 15 yards or something... This week was my New Hampshire. No more skulking around in the dredges of International Shoe. After this week, the Straight Talk Express is riding straight for the talk... or is it Federal Express... How did I get on this bus? Can someone tell me where we're going?"

7) Castro (7). Keeping the same position as in Week 2, the Castros are up and down, while awaiting the unveiling of prized rookie RB Ryan Torain. "Gosh darn it, you 'all are gonna be in big trouble once my pal Ryan starts piling up the points!" said co-owner Justin Mills, while attempting to effect an "everyday man's" tone to his news conferences in hopes of winning over Colorado supporters for the Castro. "To all you Jenny-12-packs and stupid folks, Torain is gonna wow ya! Wheee!" In Buffalo, fellow co-owner Kyle Reeb shook his head. "The way Mills is talking, you would've thought he went to Idaho State."

8) Stingrays (8). The bottom of the rankings have stayed largely the same, although Scott Ginsburg's roller-coaster of a team missed a chance to pull to 3-2 when he was forced to bench his roster in response to Ricky Gelboim's terrorist insinuation. "I really just thought that was unfair," Ginsburg said. With the same breath, he added, "Check out Ricky's connection to the Keating Five on Ricky-Gelboim-Is-A-Savings-&-Loan-Terrorist.com." Larry Johnson's stock is rolling up and down like Wall Street.

9) LA Rams (10). "Where are our bailouts?" cry the teams at the cellar of International Shoe. Moving up one spot to #9 in the rankings, team owner Anthony Khoury is taking the opposite approach of fiscal responsibility. "$101 on Laurence Maroney!" Khoury cried, raking in the enigmatic but inconsistent running back for a prince's fee. Cringing, commissioner McKeon noted that the Rams were "like a house with adjustable rate mortgage - it looks great on paper, but at some point, you're going to have to move out, become homeless, and start hooking for cash."

10) Greece Lightning (9). A new cellar dwellar, owner Petros Papadopolous appears to be getting comfortable in last place, outfitting his team with awful players and soft-core pornography in an attempt to make the best of a bad situation. "Look, we're not going to win many games," Petros said. "We might as well make Peyton and company as comfortable as possible. We've installed high-speed internet access and DVD players at all lockers and taken out subscriptions to..." Petros trailed off as we surveyed his team, which this week started backup running backs Darren Sproles and Derrick Ward. "Ah screw it, this team sucks."

Sources indicate that in advance of his team's Week 6 matchup with the Lightning, Ricky Gelboim is circulating a rumor that "Mushin Muhammed is a terrorist." Stay tuned to see if Petros benches his entire team in protest.