The Two Tards' Eternal Search for 8

The Two Tards post draft "planning" 2013

Lesbian Chop Shop, FC Castro, The Castro. Many different names, same two tards, same results. The always rambunctious Reeb and ever glowering Mills are arguably the most fun people to watch operate a football team. From their draft "planning", to their accepted-then-rejected trades, the Two Tards have given us years and years of pleasure. Mostly at their expense. As we all well know, this team that boasts rostering only players "with a spirit of excellence", has never, I repeat NEVER, finished above .500. They have come close, finishing 7-7, but have never tasted the fruit of a winning record, let alone a playoff appearance. Yet here we stand, 10 games into this 2016 season, and Lesbian Chop Shop stand at 6-4, in 4th place. If the playoffs started today, they would be in them! That bodes well for their fortunes but is there room for worry?

They were 6-2 and have lost the last 2 games. Their entire team is on bye this week which makes facing the first to worst Horseshoe a daunting task. Owner Kyle Reeb is adamant that this is the year for Chop Shop. "If Trump crushes, we crush! I have tassled loafers and I am not afraid to use them. If you take a roster spot from us, we will create an extra one by holding that dickwad DeAndre Hopkins hostage on the waiver wire. This is our time, believe me!" I think we have heard versions of this before, but that was when Mr. Reeb lived in Buffalo where football goes to be laughed at. He now resides in Houston and has illegal immigrants cleaning his home. Co-Owner Mills is about to be a father and had this to say when reached for comment, "Don't you have a job? I don't have time for this shit!". Fair enough, but we do. We have time to examine whether this is truly the best Reeb/Mills team ever put together. To that end, let's take a look at the...the...atrocious history of a team that has changed names and strategies but always had the Two Tards in common.

Mills caught using a house phone to sweet talk a quarter horse

2006
While 2005 was "The Lesbian Chop Shop" first year, it was Reeb and Scott Nuttelman who lead that team to a 3-11 record that included an 11 game losing streak.  Nuttelman left the league citing reasons nobody can remember, and Grandpa Mills joined the fold.  The Two Tards thought that the best way to change their fortune was to change their team name.  The Castro was locked and loaded to take the league by storm.  What followed was a season almost as bad as the first.  At least this one only included a 9 game losing streak.  At his end of season press-conference Reeb stated "Lego Star Wars sets aren't built overnight.  We improved from last year and will continue to improve until we reach the promised land.  Now if you will excuse me, I have to go get this bum off my lawn." (4-10)

2007
With a game's worth of improvement, our fearless leaders changed their name again.  With Dear Sweet Brother Millsy's recent love for the British Premier League, they became "fc castro."  "All lowercase Mills!  So we can sneak up on people.  BLAMMO!" Reeb was heard saying at the draft.  And sneak up on people they did!  Sitting at 5-5 with 4 games to go, they had the chance to have their first winning record but Matt Hasselbeck and Plaxico Burress couldn't carry the load.  Reggie Bush for $112.  The lowercase tards finished 1-3 and ended the season (6-9)

2008
Our beloved heroes changed their name yet again but it was subtle.  "You all know who we are now, so we are capitalizing this motherfucker!" declared Reeb.  "And adding punctuation!" uttered Mills.  F.C. Castro kept Hasselbeck, Portis, Plax, and Dallas Clark, added Megatron and Fred Taylor and were ready to roll.  And roll they did, by God!  A 5-2 record had them set for contention.  But what's in a name?  They finished the season 2-5 down the stretch to finish a perfectly average (7-7)

2009 The Wide Receiver Year
Optimism abounds!  Small improvements every year.  That LEGO Star Wars set was almost built. A winning record is sure to come.  A WR corps of Megatron, Ochocinco, Marques Colston, Dallas Clark and Plax were going to pound the league.  They didn't.  And then the Two Tards traded everyone for RB help and ended up with 85, A Gonzalez (who??), Donald Driver, and Steve Smith (the New York Giant one, not the good one).  They never had a shot and finished (5-9)

2010 The Running Back Year
The moves made at the end of 2009 added Brian Westrbook, Marshawn Lynch, and Beanie Wells to their backfield.  They drafted Jahvid Best but somehow lost Westbrook and Lynch for MJD.  Ho hum, (7-7)

2011 The Quarterback Year
"You cannot win in this league without a QB.  We know that now.  And we will give you all a proper Rogering just as soon as Mills comes back from inseminating that mare!"  Peyton Manning and Matt Ryan were going to vault this team to contention.  A 6 game losing streak starting week 2 never gave them a shot (Daniel Thomas as your lead back didn't help).  (6-8)

2012 The Tight End Year
Led by Gronk, Matt Ryan, and Steven Jackson, our heroes went into week 11 boasting a 5-5 record with a shot at getting to that elusive winning record.  The failed to score more than 88 pts in 3 of 4 games and finished (6-8)

Reeb practicing for Fantasy.  "This fantasy shit is like horseshoes and hand grenades".  I don't know what that means but this can only help our sorry asses"

2013 Who needs a TE?
"Since we think you are all vaginas,we love porn, and the melonheads~ have a squiggly, we are proud to announce that we are now F.C. Castro ({I}) and you will all go down on us like the libtards you are!"  Well, the futbol Cuban Dictator Vaginas stumbled on their own dicks.  Again.   Gronk gets traded, 4 QB's on the roster named Ryan, Cutler, Dalton, and McCown (WOOF), and Demarius Thomas and Victor Cruz cannot get them anywhere.  The Denver backfield blows.  3-7 after 10 games, drop the last 4. "What the fuck is going on here?  MILLS!!!  MILLS!!! You see this shit?  It's a conspiracy!" Reggie Bush still on the roster. (3-11)

2014 We Don't Need No Stinking RB's!
"I've cracked it Stav.  RB's are a dime a dozen.  Stud QB, WR and we are good.  This is it!" muttered Reeb in a conf call with Carlos Viva of Coventry First.  Tom Brady, Dem Thomas, Mike Evans, Victor Cruz post injury, were slated to carry this team to yet another average 5-5 record after 10.  Well, Bishop Skankey, Asiata, Branden Oliver, and yes, Reggie Bush reared their ugly heads, the Two Tards dropped their last 4 and finished (5-9)

2015 You Can't Win Without RB's!
Draft time.  A name change ban lifted after pleas by Otis Carter leads to the Cuban Futbol Pussies to have a come to Jesus moment.  "We can't win with this team name and we cannot win with what we've been pretending to do" says Reeb. "What have we pretended to do?  I've been doing taxes, buying art, and fellating stallions in New Orleans" replies Justin. "You sick fuck.  I love ya.  Let's go back to our roots.  Lesbian Chop Shop shall reign supreme!" 

Tom Brady, Ryan, Dem Thomas, Evans all jettisoned.  "Somehow, someway, by pure guile, we are standing at 5-3, on the brink of the playoffs you fuckheads!  Where's Mills?  I haven't seen or heard from him in a year.  Fuck you Jo Bu, I will do this myself!"  Well he did alright.  Dropped 5 of the last 6 games to finish (6-9)

2016 HOTLANTA

"Mills, Mills, listen to me.  We don't want both Freeman and Coleman and then have to deal with the pain in the ass of choosing which one to start"  Then they drafted Freeman anyway.  They picked up Matt Ryan on the waiver wire after swearing up and down that he is the worst QB to ever have on a fantasy team.  They picked up the Atlanta Kicker who is old enough to be Al Del Greco's nephew.  And they won.  And won.  And won some more.  Standing 6-2, there's no way they wont get that rare 7th win and the never obtained 8th right?  Right?  They've dropped the last two.  They have Atlanta on a bye this week yet face the worst team since Ginzburg benched all his players.  Then they face the vaunted Manimals, the unlucky but strong Noodlerodders, and the competitive Athens.  Meanwhile, Atlanta has strong D's of Arizona, KC, and LA on its remaining schedule.  This writer, for one, cannot wait to see how this transpires.  We root for them, we root against them, we love them, we loathe them.  The story of The Two Tards' Eternal Search for 8 continues!




*Interesting note.  The Two Tards may be the best TE scouting deparment ever.  The problem is they get rid of all of them.  A look at their TE's over the years.  Dallas Clark, Jimmy Graham (for 1 game), Gronk, Julius Thomas, Eifert, Martellus Bennett.  None of them have been kept for more than 2 seasons.