Blind Bid and Presidential Election Results, 11/5/08

Edgar Mason, the enigmatic and iconic Ugandan rebel leader, seen here parading his troops through Kampala in an undated file photo, hailed Obama's victory as a major milestone and made a personal plea for the newly elected president to resupply his Ugandan rebel forces with badly needed assault rifles, rocket launchers and napalm. Mason, who has been an outspoken critic of human rights and civil liberties, is preparing to take control of Uganda in a winter offensive and has demanded that the present ruling body step down immediatley to avoid further bloodshed and loss of life.


Before we get into the bidding, the commissioners just wanted to make a few remarks about the historic event that occurred last night. For those of you that didn't see the news, Barack Obama was elected as the first Muslim president of the United States. We think this is great news for many of our Muslim brethren that are members of the league, and just wanted to extend our heartfelt congratulations to them.

We spoke to Borgnine Abdullah last night and congratulated him. "Now we have the White House- the streets will run red with the blood of white Christians from middle America! Buy my t-shirts!" exclaimed Abdullah.

Kyle Hussein Reeb, leader of a rogue Taliban militia group concentrated in suburban Buffalo, New York, first made a name for himself in September 2008 when he struck a passing motorist with a bearclaw donut in the name of God. His planning has since gotten more aggressive, and he feels the election results will greatly assist his guerrilla campaign against the state and local government. "We think supply lines should really open up for us- we are hopeful Mr. Obama can get us the rockets and mortars we need to attack the Knights of Columbus Meeting Hall and spread the good word of the Taliban across Buffalo." To celebrate the election results, Mr. Reeb hurled a bag of flaming feces at a UPS truck. The driver was not injured but the truck was briefly removed from service for maintenance. "Today we throw poop at UPS truck- tomorrow we throw poop on all of Buffalo!" exclaimed Mr. Reeb.

Scott Wilson Abdur-Raheem watched the election results from a hospital bed while recovering from a recent stroke. Although he was unable to talk, he gave us the "thumbs up" sign after the election results came out, and then passed out in his bed from exhaustion and shit his pants.

Another Muslim co-owner, Justin Mohammad Mills, said he had mixed feelings: "I think it is great that Mr. Obama will use the U.S. military to make tactical air strikes against its own people and population centers, but I am a bit torn because I think McCain would have given me a better tax break."

...And without further ado, here are the bid results.

Manimals
1) ADD John Kasay $1 DROP Robbie Gould $1
2) ADD Kevin Boss $1 DROP Carlson

Castro
1) ADD Joe Flacco $3 DROP James Hardy

AK
1) ADD Carson Palmer $32 DROP Jaarcus Russell $1
2) ADD Nate Burleson $1 DROP Michael Pittman $25
3) ADD Steve Smith NYG $3 DROP Kevin Faulk
4) ADD Antonio Bryant $22 DROP I Bruce $1

Kapitalizm Stompers
1) ADD Mercedes Lewis $1 DROP N Kaeding $1
2) ADD M Harrison $12 DROP T Ginn Jr
3) ADD Matt Hasselbeck $1 DROP J Galloway $1


There was only one bid on Marvin Harrison. Carson Palmer received 3 bids, but the second-highest bid was only $5.