Uncle Joe the Bear and the rest of the Kapitalizm Stompers took it up the ass from Jonathan Stewart in the 2009 championship gameThe Manimals defeated the Kapitalizm Stompers 125.62-93.64 to win their fifth league title in the 8-year history of the league.
Immediately after the game, Manmials fans stormed the field, where Manimals co-owner Clarence Lee led them in celebration. "I wipe my ass with humble pie!" exclaimed Lee as he urinated on the cheering Manimal crowd.
"Stay away from those goalposts- the Stompers rigged them with TNT!" cautioned Manimals' co-owner Rick O'Gelboim to the exuberant Manimals' fans.
The celebration was cut short after several ~Melonhead players and team officials began shelling the stadium with mortar fire from a nearby parking lot. "This may be seen as classless, but god damn it feels good." explained Byron Emeson as he dropped a round into a mortar tube. "I hope this mortar gets about 10 of those mothers."
Immediately after the game, Manmials fans stormed the field, where Manimals co-owner Clarence Lee led them in celebration. "I wipe my ass with humble pie!" exclaimed Lee as he urinated on the cheering Manimal crowd.
"Stay away from those goalposts- the Stompers rigged them with TNT!" cautioned Manimals' co-owner Rick O'Gelboim to the exuberant Manimals' fans.
The celebration was cut short after several ~Melonhead players and team officials began shelling the stadium with mortar fire from a nearby parking lot. "This may be seen as classless, but god damn it feels good." explained Byron Emeson as he dropped a round into a mortar tube. "I hope this mortar gets about 10 of those mothers."
After Brandon Jacobs fired a short mortar round which struck an orphanage, Emeson beat Jacobs with his cell phone, yelling "You just wasted a lot of good orphans with your fucked up fire mission! Check your fire! Check your fire!"
Although the postgame theatrics ended in a lethal display of fireworks rained down by ~Melonhead stormtroopers, there were plenty of fireworks during the game as well. The Stompers took an early lead on Thursday night thanks to a strong, 23.90-point performance from Chris Johnson. Johnson scored a 30-yard late touchdown in garbage time, which the Manimals were quick to whine about on their smack talk.
The Stompers padded their lead in the early Sunday afternoon action. Matt Schaub had a pair of first-half TD passes and Greg Jennings had over 100 receiving yards in the first half of the Packers-Seahawks game.
However, the Manimals began to mount a comeback, as Jonathan Stewart took over the Giants-Panthers game and provided the Manimals with 28.20 points. While the Stompers were preoccupied with the fantasy carnage wrought by Stewart, tragedy struck the Stomper backfield twice in a matter of minutes. Star Stomper RBs Steve Jackson and Ricky Williams were both forced out of action due to injury, causing a near-fatal blow to the Stomper's chances for victory.
"I think we may be fucked." noted Kapitalizm Stomper co-owner Mikhael McStallen as Steven Jackson was wheeled off in a gurney. Jackson looked up and gave the "thumbs up" sign to McStallen and Ryan VanderKluge, but the Stompers' co-owners responded by giving Jackson the finger.
"Just get that faggot off the field!" yelled VanderKluge to the Stomper's team medic.
Sensing that the Stompers were at a moment of weakness, the Manimals seized the opportunity and mercilessly pounded the Stompers. The Arizona Cardinals defense provided the Manimals with 14 critical points during the 4pm games, and brought the Manimals closer to victory. Going into the Monday night contest, the Stompers still maintained a 3-point lead, but the Stompers had no players left, while the Manimals had both Adrian Peterson and Sidney Rice. Rice and Peterson were slow in the early goings, but they had gotten the Manimals the lead before halftime.
"We've got this in the bag-Just don't fumble the god damn ball." instructed O'Gelboim to Peterson at halftime.
Though Peterson would later fumble, he also scored two second-half touchdowns, which along with a Sidney Rice touchdown, put an exclamation point on the Manimals' victory.
Jonathan Stewart, who had spent much of his season on fantasy owners' benches, was named the games' MVP. "I just want to thank God, and my moms, and all the people that have been so supportive of me. To me, this game was vindication. I have been in this league 2 years and I got passed around like Erin Sears on prom night, but that ain't happenin no mo'." explained Stewart.
Although the postgame theatrics ended in a lethal display of fireworks rained down by ~Melonhead stormtroopers, there were plenty of fireworks during the game as well. The Stompers took an early lead on Thursday night thanks to a strong, 23.90-point performance from Chris Johnson. Johnson scored a 30-yard late touchdown in garbage time, which the Manimals were quick to whine about on their smack talk.
The Stompers padded their lead in the early Sunday afternoon action. Matt Schaub had a pair of first-half TD passes and Greg Jennings had over 100 receiving yards in the first half of the Packers-Seahawks game.
However, the Manimals began to mount a comeback, as Jonathan Stewart took over the Giants-Panthers game and provided the Manimals with 28.20 points. While the Stompers were preoccupied with the fantasy carnage wrought by Stewart, tragedy struck the Stomper backfield twice in a matter of minutes. Star Stomper RBs Steve Jackson and Ricky Williams were both forced out of action due to injury, causing a near-fatal blow to the Stomper's chances for victory.
"I think we may be fucked." noted Kapitalizm Stomper co-owner Mikhael McStallen as Steven Jackson was wheeled off in a gurney. Jackson looked up and gave the "thumbs up" sign to McStallen and Ryan VanderKluge, but the Stompers' co-owners responded by giving Jackson the finger.
"Just get that faggot off the field!" yelled VanderKluge to the Stomper's team medic.
Sensing that the Stompers were at a moment of weakness, the Manimals seized the opportunity and mercilessly pounded the Stompers. The Arizona Cardinals defense provided the Manimals with 14 critical points during the 4pm games, and brought the Manimals closer to victory. Going into the Monday night contest, the Stompers still maintained a 3-point lead, but the Stompers had no players left, while the Manimals had both Adrian Peterson and Sidney Rice. Rice and Peterson were slow in the early goings, but they had gotten the Manimals the lead before halftime.
"We've got this in the bag-Just don't fumble the god damn ball." instructed O'Gelboim to Peterson at halftime.
Though Peterson would later fumble, he also scored two second-half touchdowns, which along with a Sidney Rice touchdown, put an exclamation point on the Manimals' victory.
Jonathan Stewart, who had spent much of his season on fantasy owners' benches, was named the games' MVP. "I just want to thank God, and my moms, and all the people that have been so supportive of me. To me, this game was vindication. I have been in this league 2 years and I got passed around like Erin Sears on prom night, but that ain't happenin no mo'." explained Stewart.
Indeed Stewart, who is ironically a devout Marxist-Leninist, was one of the most traveled players in the league. He was originally drafted by Stavros in 2008, who soon traded him to the LA Rams for Andre Johnson. The Rams then flipped Stewart to FC Castro for "Fast" Willie Parker. Rather than keep Stewart, the Castro cut him at the end of the season. In 2009, Stewart was again drafted by Stavros. Stavros traded him, along with Andre Johnson, to the Manimals for Frank Gore.
For Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew and Drew Brees, it was their second championship as Manimals in as many years. Andre Johnson played in the championship last year, but as a member of Athens Panacakeous. "It's nice to finally play in this game on the winning side- and that's what Manimals do- we win!" exclaimed Johnson.
Not all Manimals' players were pleased with the outcome. Manimal tightend Dallas Clark, who was deactivated prior to the game, had harsh words for Manimal management. "After the season I had, I am disgusted that I was deactivated for the championship game. As far as I'm concerned, this was my last game as a Manimal. I'll take the league minimum to play for the ~Melonheads next year just so I can stick it to the Manimals."
O'Gelboim was not worried. "Dallas Clark is an intense competitor and an emotional player, and that's what makes him a special player. I think his feelings just got the best of him today, but we're confident he'll be back next year."
The loss was particularly devastating to Stompers players who had rallied around their former teammate Chris Henry. Henry died mysteriously during the regular season, and many players suspect Stomper management had him murdered in retaliation for his poor onfield performance. In honor of Henry, Stompers players wore a patch with the number "36" on their jerseys, which was the number of times Henry was arrested.
The championship game lineups were as follows:
Manimals
1. QB Drew Brees 16.32
2. RB Maurice Jones-Drew 9.80
3. RB Adrian Peterson 23.70
4. FX Jonathan Stewart 28.20 *
5. WR Sidney Rice 11.60
6. WR Andre Johnson 13.10
7. TE Fred Davis 2.90
8. K Nate Kaeding 6.00
9. DEF Arizona 14.00
Stompers
1. QB Matt Schaub 21.14
2. RB Chris Johnson 23.90
3. RB Ricky Williams 6.10
4. FX Steven Jackson 0.00
5. WR Greg Jennings 11.10
6. WR Anquan Boldin 11.60
7. TE Vernon Davis 7.80
8. K Garrett Hartley 5.00
9. DEF Cincinatti 7.00
* = I Shoe Championship Game MVP
For Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew and Drew Brees, it was their second championship as Manimals in as many years. Andre Johnson played in the championship last year, but as a member of Athens Panacakeous. "It's nice to finally play in this game on the winning side- and that's what Manimals do- we win!" exclaimed Johnson.
Not all Manimals' players were pleased with the outcome. Manimal tightend Dallas Clark, who was deactivated prior to the game, had harsh words for Manimal management. "After the season I had, I am disgusted that I was deactivated for the championship game. As far as I'm concerned, this was my last game as a Manimal. I'll take the league minimum to play for the ~Melonheads next year just so I can stick it to the Manimals."
O'Gelboim was not worried. "Dallas Clark is an intense competitor and an emotional player, and that's what makes him a special player. I think his feelings just got the best of him today, but we're confident he'll be back next year."
The loss was particularly devastating to Stompers players who had rallied around their former teammate Chris Henry. Henry died mysteriously during the regular season, and many players suspect Stomper management had him murdered in retaliation for his poor onfield performance. In honor of Henry, Stompers players wore a patch with the number "36" on their jerseys, which was the number of times Henry was arrested.
The championship game lineups were as follows:
Manimals
1. QB Drew Brees 16.32
2. RB Maurice Jones-Drew 9.80
3. RB Adrian Peterson 23.70
4. FX Jonathan Stewart 28.20 *
5. WR Sidney Rice 11.60
6. WR Andre Johnson 13.10
7. TE Fred Davis 2.90
8. K Nate Kaeding 6.00
9. DEF Arizona 14.00
Stompers
1. QB Matt Schaub 21.14
2. RB Chris Johnson 23.90
3. RB Ricky Williams 6.10
4. FX Steven Jackson 0.00
5. WR Greg Jennings 11.10
6. WR Anquan Boldin 11.60
7. TE Vernon Davis 7.80
8. K Garrett Hartley 5.00
9. DEF Cincinatti 7.00
* = I Shoe Championship Game MVP
In the concilation game, the ~Melonheads took third place by handily defeating Bafana 106.78-77.08. The ~Melonheads rode strong performances from Donovan McNabb (29.78 points) and Mr. ~Melonhead, LaDanian Tomlinson (18.30 points), to offset a .10 performance from embittered runningback Brandon Jacobs. "That's what I do kids- I finish things." noted Tomlinson. Randy Moss tallied 22.50 points in the losing effort for Bafana. It was the fifth straight playoff appearance for the ~Melonheads. Bafana, who finished just 4-10 and 2008, doubled their regular season win total and finished with a record of 8-6.
Finally, And Justice For All defeated Otis in the Toilet Bowl. Although no one kept score, it looked like Roddy White and Matt Ryan had good games for AJFA, and Eli Manning shat Otis' bed, and that was probably enough for AJFA to win.
"This is a new team and we had a lot of inexperienced guys- so I think we learned a lot and I consider the season a success- we have a strong group of guys coming back next year and we'll be shooting for the playoffs in 2010." explained Coach Carter.
AJFA owner Mike Matos, who forced his players to dress as members of the Continental Congress for the game, noted: "I don't know about playoffs, but Ronnie Brown has the biggest cock in the NFL."
1 comment:
I LOVE Dallas Clark !
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