The Rivalries

It's been a swell 11 years.  11 years of bad luck, good luck, smack talk, back talk, whining, crying, and shrooming (if you're Doug Good).  There's a Mutual Admiration Society, a Sibling Rivalry, an Evil Empire, a CIA "wet" worker posing as a peacekeeper, a stroke survivor, a Commie, and a Grandpa.  The league has it all.  Throughout the years, the league has kept us all in touch and given us an annual reason to indulge in the things we loved before jobs, marriages, births, and deaths.  It's a respite from the real crap in our lives.  It's awesome.  And so are the rivalries that have sprung from it.  Some are long-lived, some are one-sided, and some have only recently manifested themselves.  Here they are, in all their glory.  May they last for another 11 years.


GRUMPY SMALLMOUTH VS HILLBILLY JIHAD

Series Record:    Hillbilly Jihad 3-2
Playoff Record:   NA
Avg Margin:        22 pts
Largest Margin:   Jihad by 80
Smallest Margin:  Jihad by .3

The newest of rivalries.  Maybe it's because they used to work at the same firm and would talk about it incessantly.  Maybe it's because neither one of them talks trash or razzes each other.  Maybe it's because neither one of them could pinpoint a rival.  Nah, it's because of Drew Brees.  It's because one took advantage of the other and this writer just wants to create a sense of bitterness and establish a new rivalry.  They have never played each other in the playoffs and they haven't even played each other that much in the regular season because neither owner was around at the inception of the league. Regardless, this relationship took a turn for the worse when Otis left the firm and Mano took Drew Brees from his as recompense.  "No more getting whooped by 80pts for me, WHEEEEEE!" cried the Dirty Albanian as he hit the "ACCEPT" button on his trade.  Otis and his imaginary brother-in-law, Mark, will think about this every time they see a fish on TV, on a hook, or on a plate.  Grumpy Smallmouthed them when they wanted the full blowie.  Keep an eye on this one.  It's close, and it WILL get ugly.  I know it.

FC CASTRO VS MELONHEADS~


Series Record:     melonheads~ 7-6
Playoff Record:    NA
Avg Margin:         35 pts
Largest Margin:    melon by 89
Smallest Margin:   melon by 5

There are no teams that throw more verbal or dildo'ed barbs at each other than these two.  And while GM Emeson may not think this is even a rivalry, check the record.  The games themselves are never close, they boast the largest average margin in the league, but the record is close. Very close.  When asked for a comment on this, co-GM Kyle Reeb simply responded, "There is nothing better than kicking Emeson's dick in the dirt. Print that."  Well, I just did and if these two don't have enough gay innuendo going on, 2012 smack centered around each other's Tight Ends. Castro has never won more than 7 games in a season and the mellonballs seem to be rebuilding the past two years, but I would be lying if I said I am not aching to see these two teams play each other in the playoffs one day.  Mass sodomy would ensue. Count on it.

KAPITALISM STOMPERS VS GREECE LIGHTNING

Series Record:    Stompers 7-2
Playoff Record:   NA
Avg Margin:        23 pts
Largest Margin:   Stompers by 33
Smallest Margin:  Stompers by 4

One team believes the other has the ability to put a hex-like curse on it by speaking highly of it.  Kind of like a reverse jinx.  Well, it obviously works because the Stompers routinely beat the Lightning.  What's more, the hex affects Greece's matchups against other teams as well.  As soon as Commissar McKeon posted a glowing review of Greece's march to the most points scored in a season in 2011, the Lightning players started dropping like flies from injury and the team finished the season on a 3-4 stretch after starting it 7-0 and dominating.  The only thing Petros has to hang his hat on, is that both of his wins against the Stompers have been by 25 pts or more, so he is capable of dominating, as long as McKeon's tongue is held firmly between his wife's thumb and index finger.

MELONHEADS~ VS BAFANA BAFANA

Series Record:    melon 10-9
Playoff Record:   melon 2-0
Avg Margin:        26 pts
Largest Margin:   melon by 50
Smallest Margin:  Bafana by 2

Neither one of these teams mentioned each other as a possible rival but the numbers tell all.  They have played each other the 3rd most of any teams in this league as they are both Redwood Original teams.  Bafana has lost in the playoffs 4 times, and half of those defeats were at the hands of the melonheads~.  The similarities between the teams are interesting as well.  They both dont make many in-season moves.  They both have lynchpin players they lean on for years and years (see Tomlinson, Brady).  They both don't return phonecalls.  All the GM's are recluses who deal with the dregs of society, both foreign and domestic.  Now, one of them may be a covert assassin, one of them may be a stroke survivor, and one of them may have a smile that melts the hearts of minorities, but they should all harbor some new-found ill will toward one another.  Bafana has now reached the Big Game but the melonheads~ didn't get a chance to stand in their way.  Will the Brothers from South Aaaafrica enjoy sustained success with this powerhouse team, or will the rebuilding melonheads~ rise from the depths to re-establish their version of Apartheid?

KAPITALISM STOMPERS VS LA RAMS

Series Record:    Stompers 18-4

Playoff Record:   Stompers 1-0

Avg Margin:        23 pts

Largest Margin:   Stompers by 52

Smallest Margin:   Stompers .2

GM Khoury gave a "No Comment" when asked about his arch rival.  In fact, he just mumbled something about shooting himself in the head, then killing us all from the afterlife while making Skokie, IL the new capital of everything.  In short, we are all his arch rivals.  Commissar McKeon, however, jumped at the chance to say that the Rams are his favorite rivalry, and why not?  Another Redwood Original rivalry, they have played the most regular season games against each other in league history and the Stompers have a better record against them than any team has against anyone in the league.  18-4 is staggering.  This is like the Cowboys-Cardinals rivalry back in the days of Arizona being in the NFC East.  Top that off by the fact that these teams finally faced each other in the playoffs and the Stompers took the Rams to the woodshed beating them by 57 pts, and Coco Khoury's bald dome should be steaming for another shot at those Commie bastards.  But look closer and you will notice that 8 of their games have been decided by 10 pts or less, tied for tops in the league.  The Ninja Pants have been dusted off and with a revamped roster, look for the Rams to try and put a dent in this differential in the years to come.

ATHENS PANATHINAIKOS VS MANIMALS

Series Record:      Manimals 12-8

Playoff Record:     Manimals 3-0 (1 Championship game)

Avg Margin:          24 pts

Largest Margin:     Manimals by 56

Smallest Margin:   Athens by 1

These teams have played the second most regular season matchups and are tied for the second most playoff matchups.  Athens is tied for the league lead in playoff losses with the melonheads~ at 6, and half of them are to the Manimals.  This is Tom Brady's Pats versus Manning's Colts.  This is The Evil Empire versus the Rebellion, Olympiacos versus Panathinaikos.  This is pure postseason ownership with Athens playing the role of Kunta Kinte.  Now, in all of the above examples, the "good" guys all rose up to defeat their oppressors after suffering several losses.  Athens had that chance in 2008 but the greatest game ever played snatched the Greeks' chance of redemption away.  The Manimals manage to beat Athens when they stink, when they're good, and when they are blind bidding (Athens lost two players to tie breakers to the Manimals in 2012 alone).  Clarence and Stav seem to target the same players and Rick seems to rob Athens in trades any chance he gets.  Stav notes, "There are two things that will lead me to throwing the biggest party this group has ever seen.  1) the WNBA folding and 2) beating the Manimals in a playoff game.  Champagne, and blood, will flow, midgets will be tossed, and Mills will be sodomized with a baby's bottle."  With the most underachieving team in history, it seems the likelihood of an Athens uprising is as likely as Greeks paying taxes, but like any revolution, time is on the oppressed's side.  All empires fall, it's just a matter of time.  The question is, will Stav be alive to see it?

MELONHEADS~ VS MANIMALS

Series Record:      Manimals 11-8
Playoff Record:     Manimals 4-1 (3 Championship Games)
Avg Margin:         19 pts
Largest Margin:    melon by 66
Smallest Margin:   melon by 1

This is the doozy.  The Big Enchilada.  This is the Mutual Admiration Society if you don't count the fact that Emeson hates the Manimals.  These two teams have played each other in the playoffs more than anyone else, including 3 of the first 4 I-Shoe Bowls.  The melonheads are tied for first place with Athens for most playoff losses with 6, and 4 of them have come at the hands of the Manimals.  The Manimals have the most playoff wins in league history with a whopping 13 wins and the melonheads~ are a distant second with 5.  Their games are also the closest in the league with 8 of their 19 games being decided by 10 pts or less. Only the Stompers and Rams have had as many games decided by single digits.  The fact remains, however, that however glowingly Clarense "Clemons" Lee speaks of the melonheads~, Emeson's team has not beaten them in a playoff game since 2002.  The Manimals own the melonheads~ much like they own Athens (and in 2008 they beat both of them in the playoffs) and Emeson's bitterness is palpable.  At least he has the inaugural title to hang his hat on.  Both teams are in flux and boasted the worst two records in the league this year.  It will be interesting to see who rebuilds first.  C and Rick-Y build their roster with young, inexpensive, explosive players who are jettisoned from the team a year too soon rather than a year too late.  Emeson builds his teams around highly priced, steady, running backs that he rides into the ground like Reeb rides his lawn mower over small chunks of dead prostitute.  Once both teams find their winning ways again, this rivalry will continue to burn with the fire of a thousand suns.  If, however, the rebuilding process for either team takes longer than expected, this may take a back seat to one of the matchups mentioned before it, or a rivalry that hasn't quite manifested itself.

*Honorable mention: Stompers vs melonheads~, Greece vs Athens