2008 International Shoe Football Draft Mired in Controversey and Illwill

Hell came to Chicago last weekend. It was not a natural distaster in the form of a tornado, but rather a manmade disaster in the form of a violent fantasy football draft and face-licking fest that left many residents of Lincoln Park running for cover. "We haven't had this many 9-1-1 calls in one weekend since we chased the blacks and Latinos out of Cabrini Green." stated a Chicago police officer who wished to remain nameless. When the dust settled, the teams had mixed stories of moderate successes and epic failures.

And Justice For All ("AJFA" hereafter) sat on their wallets for much of the draft, saving up to acquire Jay Cutler. Eventually, Cutler fell to AJFA for his fair market value, which is practically nothing. As a consequence of their poor planning, AJFA had some money left over. "We are still just shawked that we got Cutlah. Best quarterback on the board, a renown Constitutional skollah, and a close friend of Kevin Millarh." stated AJFA co-owner Mike Matos. AJFA also added Penn Charter alum Matt Ryan as well as several young runningbacks.

Rookie runningback Darren McFadden was subjected to viscous booing by Kapitalizm Stomper fans immediately after the Kapitalizm Stompers selected him with their first pick. The Stomper fans apparently wanted their draft money to be spent on other players, and even Kapitalizm Stomper owner Mikhael McStallen appeared legitimately shocked when McFadden was selected. McFadden denied feeling any animosity toward the Stomper fanbase, explaining "Whoever said I amounted to anything in college anyway? All I got to do is make it out on the field. After that, it's all gravy."
This interviewer then told McFadden to take it easy, to which he responded, "I'll take it any way I can get it!" McFadden then picked up several belts of ammunition and headed for a Kapitalizm Stomper team helicopter about to make a strafing run on a United Nations relief convoy bound for Myanmar.

The league's most disorganized franchise, FC Castro, entered the draft with the second-most cap space in the league and had many holes to fill on their roster. After failing to land some star players early on, the Castro made their first big splash by adding runningback Willie Parker. Co-owner Justin Mills was not pleased. "(FC Castro co-owner) Kenny Reeb panicked. He just panicked. We did not want or need Parker, and that's the bottom line."

The Castro also shocked the draft crowd by signing Marvin Harrison to an exhorbinant $100 contract, and then proceeded to add at least four rookie wide receivers. The most controversial picks came with the additions of Arizona Cardinal runningbacks Larvell Jones and Rachel Tackleberry. FC Castro rounded out the draft by acquiring Kevin Dyson, Fred Lane, Rich Gannon, a jockey, and Mike Vernon.

The league's most despised franchise, the Manimals, continued to disgust everyone by landing three rookie runningbacks in the draft, including Matt Forte, a rapid riser on most fantasy cheatsheets. "We have big plans for Matt Forte- we didn't draft him to sit on the sidelines!" exclaimed Manimals co-owner Clarence "Big Country" Lee.
Forte figures to begin the season on the Manimals active roster, in their flex position.

The Manimals also landed potential sleeper Pierre Thomas, as well as Fred Taylor, who signed a cheap, incentive-laden contract. Although no one was able to stop those acquisitions, Borgnine Emeson vowed that in acquiring those players, the Manimals had incurred the wrath of the football Gods, and that swift vengeance and violent reprisals would follow. Shortly after the draft, a van carrying hapless Manimals fans was blown-up after it struck an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) on Lake Shore Dr. Several days later, Mamimals draft pick Ryan Torain was injured on his way to training camp by an angry Moldovan Bear yelling about American pussy. The Manimals have accused Borgnine of hiring the Moldovan Bear to injure Torain, a claim that Emeson's attorney has publicly denied.

The ~Melonheads acquired Carson Pumper (who is better than Jay Cutler) in the draft, who has served as the ~Melonheads field general for the past four seasons. "We are very happy to have brought Carson (Palmer) back, which was our plan all along. He knows the system inside and out, and frankly, it's been developed around him." stated ~Melonheads owner Borgnine Emeson. Emeson denied that off-the-field incidents involving Steve Smith and Brandon Marshall have adversely affected the team. "We are not distracted by that- we're going to win with who we got. We just wish we could open up our season by playing the Castro three times." noted Emeson.

Greece Lightning, purchased in the offseason by Greek shipping tycoon and big-swinging dick Petros Petros Gali from indebted gambler Doug Good, made a big splash at the draft by landing Peyton Manning (who is much better than Jay Cutler). Greece Lightning then added three additional quarterbacks. Asked to explain the abundance of quarterbacks, Petros Petros Gali noted, "In Greece, we have many quarterback. I like big quarterback- big quarterback strong like bull."

Stroke survivor and Bafana Bafana co-owner Scott Wilson was able to attend the draft. "My doctor told me not to come, but I'd never miss this." stated an exhuberant Wilson. Due to his medical condition, Wilson could only spend a few precious hours in Chicago, and returned to the hospital several hours later. "Just knowing that I was able to make it out to Chicago for a few hours for the draft makes me a winner- it doesn't matter how my team does this season- I did it mom! I did it!" exclaimed Wilson, as he broke down in tears and fell out of his wheelchair.

Stingrays owner Scott Ginsburg (AKA "the other short red-haired Jewish kid from WashU living in Chicago") added Marc Bulger (who is better than Jay Cutler), franchise quarterback Brian Brohm (Aaron who?), and now has three runningbacks on the Philadelphia Eagles and two on the Kansas City Chiefs. Ginsburg also grabbed Reggie Bush, who could be a solid flex back. The Stingrays moved their team from Kentucky to Hadleyvile, PA in the offseason, where Ginsburg has been dubbed "The Man who saved Hadleyville."

Athens Panathanakos struck early and grabbed Jeremy Shockey, Jonathan Stewart and Derek Anderson (who is better than Jay Cutler). Shockey, Vernon Davis and Greg Olson will compete for time at tightend in the Panthanakos wing-T offense. Asked if he acquired too many tightends, co-owner Sorvotz retorted "We draft good football players. Period. We figure out the position stuff later. When you've been in the game as long as I have, you realize that a good football player is a good football player, and you can play him anywhere, and all this position crap is just mularkey."

Operating from their remote team headquarters in an underground bunker in Skokie Illinois, the Skokie Rams stunned the football world by shelling out more than $70 on Arizona runningback Edgerrin James. The Rams added Jake Delhomme (who is about as good as Jay Cutler) to serve as the primary back-up to the newly acquired Ben Roethlisburger. The Rams added several other runningbacks and wide receivers, and look to enter the season using the unconventional spread offense of three wide receivers and two runningbacks, pioneered by inventor, lover, industry-activist, wildlife destroyer, and football strategist Scott Nuttleham.
"I am confident that Joey Galloway can serve as our flex receiver. In the offseason we wrestled each other wearing diapers, and I assure you he is quite fit as I sustained quite a pounding." stated team owner Coco Khourey.

Tragedy struck near the end of the draft, as Castro owner Kenny Reeb was wounded by an unknown attacker in a public restroom. "The man came in and just started kicking down stall doors. I tried to hide and I felt like that little Amish boy in Witness except I had an erection. Eventually the man found me, and bit my ass, and that's the last thing I remember. The doctor says I should be able to sit down in a week or two." noted Reeb. Police have not yet determined a motive for the assault but are looking into several leads based on posts from Craig's List. They have a couple boys down at the crime lab working on the case, who have been working in shifts.

Despite the draft trouble, many league insiders are optimistic that the season itself will be successful, and a second fantasy draft has already been planned for late-September in advance of the 2008 Special Olympics. Pundits speculate that Wheelchair basketball players will be among the first picks, equating their value to that of runningbacks in fantasy football leagues.