The Worst Team Ever

Team owner Coco Khoury is beside himself trying to right the Skokie Rams before the 2008 season is lost

After a devastating loss to the mediocre Kapitalizm Stompers in Week 3, the Skokie Rams have fallen to a stomach-churning record of 0-3. General Manager, Owner and league punching bag Coco Khoury responded by holding an emergency closed-door meeting in his underground bunker in Skokie Illinois, attended by only upper echelon management and local neo-Nazi civic leaders. The media were kept away from the bunker by a persistent barrage of suppressive mortar and artillery fire. When Mr. Khoury emerged from the bunker, he announced that he had fired Lane Kiffen, would invade Poland, and condemned British aggression around the Suez Canal. This curious announcement raised more questions than it answered, and certainly begs the question, Is this the worst team ever?

Recovering drug addict Kenny Reeb noted, "To have a team as bad as the Skokie Quartet, having made decisions under what Skokie must consider carefully calculated circumstances, is simply shameful."

Taking a page after over-rated "journalist" Bill Simmons, the International Shoe Blog presents its "Top 10" contenders for worst teams ever...

10. 2008 Skokie Rams (?)- At 0-3 this team is quickly making a case for itself as the worst team in league history. Featuring a variety of washed up handcuffs such as Slingin' Sammy Morris and Ricky Williams, underused rookies, Kansas City Chief receivers (an unlikely source for fantasy production with #3 QB Yancey Thigpen at the helm), and flavor-of-the-week pick-ups like Bryant Johnson, this team may have no where to go but down. There will likely be a lot of competition for the cellar, but the Rams may have what it takes to win the great race to the bottom.

9. 2004 Bafana Bafana (4-9)- Powered by Tiki Barber, Willis McGahee, Fred Taylor, Randy Moss, and Tom Brady, the Bafana somehow fell into last place. Forever Memorialized in Scott Wilson's memoirs, this team tells the classic tale of missed opportunities, untapped talent, and regret. "Never has so much done so little for so many." noted Wilson in his memoirs.

8. 2005 And Justice for All (4-10)- Who would have thought that a team with SF QBs Trent Dilfer and Alex Smith would average only 71 points per game? AJFA avoided the cellar due to Lesbian Chopshop's ground-breaking ineptitude.

7. 2003-04 IM Basketball B-League "Gross Point Blank Shooters" (0-6)- Featuring Dan Smith at Center, Kevin Lux at Power Forward, Mike McStallen at Small Forward, Tim Brady at Shooting Guard, and Racist Paul Fowkes as the Point Guard. Jon Orent contributed heavily from the bench as the 6th man. Low points for the season included when Edgar Mason scored 18 points against the Blank Shooters in the first quarter of a game that quickly turned into a blow-out, and when Jon Orent fell into the scorer's table and then got hit in the head by the game clock as it fell from the table.

6. 2002 And Justice For All (3-11)- In the inaugural 2002 season, the Matos-less AJFA lost Kurt Warner early on and limped to a 3-11 finish. Though they finished in last place, they boasted a relatively strong line-up that included 3 RBs with over 1200 yards rushing (Jamal Lewis, Ahman Green and Tiki Barber) and a WR with 1,300 receiving yards (Amani Toomer).

5. 2003 Butkus All Stars (2-12)- another low-point for arguably the lowliest franchise in league history. Owner Douglas Good is believed to have destroyed all records relating to the season, so little is known about the team's roster or production. When asked about the records, Mr. Good noted ambiguously "That pig got them in the divorce."

4. 2006 Kapitalizm Stompers (5-9)- Though they narrowly avoided last place, the 2006 Kapitalizm Stompers finished deadlast in points, and took rebuilding to a new level, making 53 transactions (the second highest number of transactions for any other 2006 team was 29). The rebuilding obviously paid off as the Stompers finished the season with future superstars Artose "The Truth" Pinner, Jerome "Juice" Harrison, Ryan Moats, Cedric "the Entertainer" Houston, Chris Brown, Anthony Thomas, Ernest Wilford, and Domanick Davis/Williams on their roster.

3. 2007 Skokie Rams (4-10)- after starting the season 4-2, the Rams lost an astounding 8 games in a row to close out the season. The Rams have picked up where they left off in 2008, as the Rams' loss streak is now at 11 games. "The collapse can be traced back to the Rams' 2006 playoff loss to the Bafana. And you can't really begin to understand the 2007 Rams until you understand the 2006 Rams. What are the 2007 Rams without the 2006 Rams? What is good without evil? Indeed the two seasons will be forever intertwined, and neither exist in isolation." explained league historian Borg9 Emeson.

The 2006 Rams left these holiday wishes on the league message board following the legendary defeat at the hands of the underdog Bafana...

"Well I was in first place all season long...and I would have mopped the floor with the Manimals in the finals this week...so outside of benching all of my top players last week and losing by 10 pts in the semi-finals, I pretty much had a cake-walk through the league...how is it then that I end up with absolutely nothing??? I think I deserve half the pot at least...
...Merry Christmas!"

2. 2005 Lesbian Chopshop (3-11)- Kenny Reeb rode star RB Cadillac Williams right into last place, while managing a league-worst 969 points. The team averaged only 69.2 points per game, believed to be the lowest in league history.

1. 2007 Biavian All-Stars (1-13)- Doug Good left the league in appropriate fashion, going 1-13 and setting the league record for the worst record ever. Doug lost his first game, won his second game, and then proceeded to lose his next 12 games. Douglas had only one RB with more than 675 rushing yards. In an uncharacteristic display of class, Mr. Good left this message on the league message board:
"THANKS FOR THE FUN: I had a great time as an owner in this league over the years. I'm going to miss playing. Hopefully I will be able to keep in contact with you all and see you in Vegas one of these years. Tell Petros good luck. He's going to need it. Doug."

New owner and convicted sex-offender Petros Petros Gali halted the franchise's losing streak by defeating Ginsburg 86.18-84.94 in his week 1 debut. "They used to mock Greece Lightening. Now they will fear Greece Lightening!" exclaimed Mr. Gali from onboard his Yacht in the Mediterranean following his week 1 victory.
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Will the end of the 2008 season provide us with a new "Worst Team Ever?" Only time, and Bryant Johnson's 2008 gamelog, will tell.