Wide receiver Lee Evans, seen here commanding a Panzer tank during the German invasion of Poland.
Skokie (IL)- One year ago, Lee Evans was a starting wide receiver on the Kapitalizm Stompers, on pace for an all-pro season. "I was living the dream and we were making things happen." Evans said of the situation. But after an offensive meltdown caused his production to dramatically decrease, Evans found himself on the league waiver wire last week, after being cut by the 4-2 Kapitalizm Stompers.
"That was the bad time- I am trying not to focus on it, but those commie bastards cut me because they were too cheap to pay my salary." said Evans.
The Stompers denied that Evans' $33 annual salary played any role in their decision to cut him. "All he does is catch touchdowns." complained Coach McStallen.
Stompers general manager Ryan VanderNutz released a perplexing public statement, noting: "Today the Kapitalizm Stompers family lost one of its own. Wide receiver Lee Evans was found shot to death in his hotel room. We did all that we could to prevent this tragedy, and there was nothing we can do. If there is another player in the NFL who has Lee Evans' name, and if this guy also looks like Lee Evans, we want to assure everyone that they are different people. Especially if the other Lee Evans plays really well."
Evans was signed off the waiver wire days later by the Los Angeles Rams (2-4), who bid $22 on him. Evans is scheduled to start in his first game as a Ram, which will be against the treacherous Manimals (5-1).
"We want to get him right in there and see what he can do- we didn't sign him to ride the bench." noted L.A. Rams Coach Tony Khoury as he nibbled on a human ear.
"Lee Evans doesn't scare us. Nothing scares us." stated Manimal owner Clarence Lee.
Evans was excited about his new opportunity.
"At first I was a little taken aback because I walked into the Rams locker room and everyone was naked and wrestling and beating each other with diapers. But then I just walked up to one of the guys, grabbed his beanbag, and threw him on the ground, and everyone started cheering, and I knew this was home."
For Lee Evans, this is more than home- this is a chance for redemption.
8 comments:
We lost the second battle of El Alemein because of that shit-head, alligator-armed receiver. After the fall of Tobruk, he phoned it in.
I want one of those Bills' helmets like Mark Kelso had
I fucked Shane Conlan's wife
That was not my wife, that was Steve Tasker you oddly mexican looking fuck.
That sounds like my brother all right. He loved a good strap-on and ball gag. You should have seen him after a big night out with Bruce Smith!
How about those Dolphins?
I dont care what those hippies say, a Dolphin's a fish and fish are gay.
I know, right?
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